Everybody's working on the weekend: On (not) having it all

Okay, so it's been a while. We had Mother's Day, and then we had a really short spring and now we're into the thick of summer. In a few days, Ethan will be 11 months and then the countdown begins to his first birthday.

We've had a wild ride and more twists and turns are on the horizon. September not only marks the end of Ethan's first year of life, but the beginning of a new adventure: Daycare.

I could write a whole post about everything that's wrong with the child care system in Ontario, and in particular in Toronto. I could go on for days and days about the painful process of getting on lists almost as soon as you pee on a stick, only to still find yourself 20th on the list when your preferred date rolls around. I could complain about how centres will offer you a space two months early, assuming that anyone and everyone can just plunk down a few grand for a daycare space they don't even need.

But, this blog isn't about politics or flawed management or social justice, it's about me and my son and our journey together, and for that reason I am going to share our story.

I spent most of my pregnancy at a fantastic company where I was able to do interesting work with great colleagues without burning the candle at both ends and putting unnecessary stress on my mind and my body. However, as luck would have it, this role was a fixed contract, and once I went on my maternity leave in September, my job ended. I told myself at the time that I would figure it out when I was ready, that I would decide "later" whether I would look for a job when my year of EI was up or if I would take some extra time off to be a stay at home mom.

I realized pretty early on that I was not going to be ready to resume a full-time downtown PR job once the year wrapped up. My career has seen its fair share of ups and downs, and taking on a new job with new pressures and responsibilities while also managing drop-offs, pickups and daycare bugs wasn't going to start me off on the greatest foot. I wanted to be home for Ethan, to have his meals on the table at a reasonable hour and to not be constantly rushing or going through the motions. He's only little for so long, I thought. I should take this time while I can!

But, I had a nagging feeling that I had some unfinished business when it came to my career and I began feeling anxious about leaving it all behind. I'm only 31, and I work in an industry that's always changing, so I was nervous about walking away for a few years and potentially finding myself past the point of no return. I also enjoy the intellectual stimulation and creativity of my line of work, and once I came up for air a bit on the mom front, I realized that this was something I had been missing a bit.

So, through a friend who gave me a great opportunity, I started freelancing. It was a few hours here and there at first, and then became more and more and more. Now, I spend time with Ethan during the day, and when he's sleeping I take calls and read briefs and I work. I have a full-time job as a mom and a part-time job as a communications professional. I'm exhausted and I can't remember the last time I watched a TV show from start to finish. I eat a lot of takeout. And, I'm also the most focused, most driven and most fulfilled I've ever been.

However, as my freelance work has grown, I've also realized that self-care is super important, and this is an area I haven't been paying much attention to. I do try to make time to read and get manicures here and there, but without a lot of downtime I don't have much of an opportunity to decompress. This, I have come to realize, is not sustainable long-term.

Enter daycare. After leaping through some of the hoops I mentioned above, we were lucky to get a call from a local centre with a great reputation saying they had a space for Ethan in September. We had 24 hours to decide and after hours of emotional agonizing and writing out a pros and cons list (me) and five minutes of using logical reason (Dave), we decided to go for it.

Ethan will start in the second week of September. He'll transition slowly and once we're all ready, he'll go full-ish days, Monday to Friday, to give me time to focus on my freelance work and also have a few minutes for some "me time." Essentially, I'll be a stay at home mom, a working mom and on the whole, probably a happier person.

My curious creature-- he will RULE daycare!

I want to acknowledge that I am incredibly, incredibly fortunate. Fortunate that I work in a business where home-based freelance projects are possible. Fortunate that our family can afford a little uncertainty and that having food in the fridge isn't dependent on me being downtown 5 days a week. Fortunate that I live in a neighbourhood with good quality daycares and that one of them was able to accept my sweet little boy. They are going to be so lucky to have him!

But, like most moms, I have incredibly mixed feelings. While I am very pro-daycare as a rule, I am so nervous about leaving Ethan in someone else's care and I know for the first few weeks I will miss him terribly. Ethan isn't just a baby to me, he's been an incredible dining, shopping and exploring companion and I will feel rather naked going through my day-to-day without him. I worry that he'll be sad, and then I also worry that he'll forget about me or won't feel as bonded. At times, I also feel guilty that I didn't just plan to continue working in the evenings as I have been, even though I know intellectually this is what's best.

As mothers, we talk about having it all. This is a myth. Even with a balance that most people would describe as ideal, we are still always making tough choices and dealing with the emotions and stresses associated with those decisions. Polished Instagram stories and witty TV shows about #MomLife won't tell you that, but it is real and it is hard and sometimes it hurts so, so bad.

Ending on a positive note, one of the items on my list once daycare starts is getting this blog going again, so you should be hearing more from me in the coming months!