100 days of Ethan

Hear ye, hear ye. Ethan's life has hit triple digits!

Excuse me while I get emotional again. This is another one of those 'time flies' moments, but it's also got some more significance because it signals the end of the so-called 100 Days of Darkness.

In an earlier post, I wrote about the fourth trimester and baby's adjustment to life outside the womb. Similar but not quite the same, the 100 days of darkness concept refers to a mom's adjustment to parenthood. This can mean all kinds of things-- sleep deprivation, changes in mom and dad's relationship, hormones, being scared to leave the house, you name it. By the end of this period, in theory, we mothers should be emerging from the fog. 

In some ways, I feel ahead of the curve on this front. I don't mean that I'm doing better than other women-- I try very hard not to be that person-- but more that I've challenged myself in a lot of areas and I'm pretty pleased with the results. For example, Ethan and I have been going to see movies at our local theatre almost every Monday since he was three weeks old. We signed up for a bunch of classes and I make it to most of them more or less on time. He sleeps through the night regularly, I still like Dave more days than not and the majority of my pre-mommyhood friends continue to tolerate me and my excessive Instagramming. I even started a blog!

However, I also kind of resent the implied notion that now that we've hit day 100, I should suddenly feel like my old self. First of all, my old self doesn't exist anymore, because I will never again be able to put myself first. I say that not because I'm trying to sound like some kind of self-sacrificing hero, but because it is actually impossible for me to prioritize anything-- my sleep, my health, my career-- above Ethan's happiness and well being. I have moaned about wanting my pre-preggo body back and missing being able to go places that aren't stroller-friendly, but at the end of the day I don't care because those new realities are all part of life with Ethan, and Ethan, ultimately, is my whole life (Winston is too, but you get my drift).

And-- what if in some ways I'm still feeling blue or a little out of sorts or that the puzzle pieces aren't fitting together just yet? Here's an example: I have a really hard time pumping because Ethan eats so much that I'm rarely full enough to produce more than an ounce or two at the most. What this means is that I've only gone out without him a handful of times, never for longer than a couple of hours, and when I do it requires careful advance planning. I also find it difficult emotionally, which is hard for me to admit to other moms who seem to have it a bit more 'together' and have been able to get out for regular date nights or spa days. These are things that I miss of course, but physically and mentally they just aren't a reality right now. 

What a nap looks like

Another example: Ethan does not like to be put down, and I don't just mean for naps in his crib. He is fussy in his swing, on his playmat on the floor, wherever, if he is left for longer than about five minutes. Essentially, I am his primary source of entertainment and if I am not holding him, he is grumpy. We have had some success with the carrier, but it hasn't gone well enough for me to have any confidence in its usefulness on a day-to-day basis. So, what I'm getting at is that if Dave is not home, I can't tidy my apartment or read a book or cook a meal-- things that a lot of moms are doing at this stage. Maybe I can get a few minutes to fold laundry if we've been out and Ethan has fallen asleep in his stroller, but that's basically it. The rest of the time we're nursing or reading or he's just bouncing his cute little chubby legs on my stomach, all of which are amazing and I'm hashtag blessed and so on, but I have definitely not emerged from the fog of takeout and clutter and yeah...I could continue. I'm gross, let's just leave it at that.

I have a point, I promise. I think this is becoming a bit of a theme, but if I have one Christmas wish it would be for so-called 'experts' to please stop making up cutesy labels or creating false milestones that at the end of the day make a lot of moms (including me) feel like we're failing ourselves. The past 100 days have been filled with so much light, most of which has come from my wondrous baby boy. But, some of the fog lingers and no parenting book is going to be able to guide me out of that on any kind of schedule--I just have to keep reminding myself that a little bit of darkness is okay.