Oh, what a year

With just a few days to go before 2018 hits, I'm also marking another anniversary-- one year ago yesterday, I found out I was pregnant.

This was the earliest I could get the news, and ever the planner, I was bursting with anticipation. The app I had downloaded to help me track had cheerfully notified me that I could take a pregnancy test-- hurray! But despite the build up, I actually didn't have that strong of a reaction and now look back on it as one of my final days of calm.

There are a few reasons for this. First, I think it was the time of year. The period between Christmas and New Year's is always a nice little placid stretch and though I was working that week, the office was quiet, the TTC was quiet, and as such, so were my feelings about a tiny human sprouting inside of me.

It was also a secret. That's a big one. Over the weeks that followed, I had a lot of fun telling friends, family members and colleagues (my favourite trick was dressing Winston up in a Big Brother t-shirt), but for the first few days we told no one. This meant I couldn't really 'act' pregnant, so in a sense, it wasn't a real thing yet. We even stayed home on New Year's Eve just because I didn't want anyone to notice I wasn't drinking-- sneaky!

I also feel the calm in hindsight. On December 28, 2016, my life was exactly the same as it was one day earlier when I didn't know if I was pregnant or not. I was obviously worried about how having a baby would alter my life, but I thought I had nine months to figure that out. However, by the end of my first trimester, everything had been thrown off balance and into complete chaos. I dealt with a shift in my professional life and I started to experience symptoms like morning sickness and heartburn, but the biggest shock of all was that my pregnancy revealed cracks in the foundation of several relationships I held dear, including one in particular that I had previously believed to be indestructible.

The first sign of Ethan

What I've realized over the past year is that no matter how much you plan or how lucky you think you are-- I'll share that it only took us two months to conceive, which makes me feel so grateful to this day-- you never truly know what kind of person you'll be or what kind of life you'll have once you become a mom. I learned this the hard way even before Ethan arrived, but my 'glass half full' view of this is that because of what I went through, I was prepared to brace myself for the curveballs motherhood has thrown at me.

And, having perspective and seeing the big picture are important. I would love to say that the challenges I experienced during my pregnancy resolved themselves or that I have at least been able to put them out of my head. Unfortunately, neither is the case and I still feel very hurt by a lot of what transpired. What is the absolute 100% truth, however, is that Ethan was worth every hurdle, every blow and every single tear.

 So 2017 is nearly behind us, and it was without a doubt the hardest year yet. But, it was also the best year because it gave me our little man and I know 2018 is going to bring us so much laughter and love-- and yes, a few challenges too. Bring it on!