The struggle for balance

For the first week or two after Ethan was born, you couldn't have paid me to go out. I was exhausted and overwhelmed, but at the same time I was enjoying the beautiful chaos that was life in my apartment-- sleeping on the couch with tiny Ethan nestled in beside me, eating at weird intervals and welcoming more visitors than I had ever had in the entire 4+ years Dave and I have been together. Couple that with the slow and painful recovery that tends to follow childbirth (certainly mine, anyway), home seemed like the right place to be.

Now, however, it's rare that we ever spend even an afternoon at home. Once I felt comfortable driving, loading and unloading the stroller and changing Ethan on bathroom floors, I got into gear and haven't looked back. We've been to weddings and parties, we go shopping and to the movies and starting in early November we've been in classes 3 days a week. This is a good thing, but maybe too much of a good thing.

I was inspired to write this post because today for the first time in weeks, I missed my scheduled activity and spent most of the day hibernating with Ethan and Dave in our humble abode. It felt weird-- not just being at home, but deviating from our dutiful attendance at mom and baby class.

Don't get me wrong-- I love our outings and classes are awesome, especially because I get to meet other mamas and share the day-to-day with other ladies in exactly my position. However, it occurred to me recently that while holing up at home probably isn't ideal, neither is pushing myself into having a scheduled activity for every minute of the week.

Part of my desire to do this comes from a serious case of FOMO. With my career on hold for a bit and my downtown young professional persona radically altered, I have been desperate to maintain not only some routine but also the sense of belonging and community to which I had become very accustomed. Being at home with a baby is rarely boring, but it can be a tad lonely, and no one wants to be lonely.

Ethan on the move

There's also the fact that by exposing Ethan to the world, I am giving myself some respite from singing baby toys, one-handed meals and the stark reality that there is always so. much. laundry. When we're out, I just wheel Ethan around in the stroller and chat with him like we're two adults. Yes, he needs feeding and changing pretty often, but at least someone else is serving my food, my coffee stays hot and that ever-growing pile of tiny onesies is out of sight, out of mind.

But, as with alcohol, junk food and reality television, my busy mama life needs a bit of moderation. Being on the go with a baby is tiring, and when I'm tired, being out feels just as lonely as staying in. Plus, Ethan and I had a cuddle-nap this morning that I didn't have to cut short to get him dressed for 'school' and that was AWESOME. And, if I leave some of our days open, I can enjoy a little bit of the spontaneity that I actually craved in my working life.

So, it's early, but I have one New Years Resolution for 2018: Take life one day at a time. This means accepting the changes, both wonderful and less wonderful, and embracing the fact that some days will be mundane, others lonely and many more blissful and magical, but they will certainly all be different. Now if you'll excuse me, I believe I have some cuddling to do!